Fanfic: 'Omake!' part 7

Fanfiction: "Omake!" part 7
Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics
Genres: Humor / Parody / Romance
Warnings: OCs, OOC, sexual references, and lots of cursing.

Disclaimer: You should know by now. By the good grace of Cosmos herself, I don't own shit.

...fic start!

Artemecion: "Kuuupo, last time, everyone gathered clues to figure out what to do next. Onion Knight stole a ticket to get Ryoko the most powerful sword used for slaying weather-type enemies, kupo, which the Awkward Cloud just happens to be. Somehow, kupo, I can't imagine what will happen next."

*cheesy romantic Japanese song by Kaito plays*

Ryoko: *dancing*
Warrior of Light: "...don't be offended by this, but, are you okay?"
Ryoko: "Well, didn't you just hear Kaito? He's adorable for a singing computer program."
Aria: "Yeah but I don't think we were supposed to hear it in-universe."
Firion: "Truthfully, I keep getting surprised over and over about the low production values of this fanfic. Seriously, who paid the gigantic rhubarb from last episode?"
Lynn: "You're never going to get over that, are you?"
Firion: "No! Never in all my questing and time as a main hero did I ever hear about a land of gigantic, sentient vegetables!"
Onion Knight: "Well aren't you just a poor sport, bro."
Firion: "I swear I'm going to kick you so hard you're sent to the moon!"
Voice: "DID SOMEONE SAY MOON?!"
Warrior of Light: "...oh Cosmos, not again..."

*Cecil Harvey bursts in the door, posing like Sailor Moon*

Cecil: "In the name of the moon... oh hey guys."
Firion: -___-
Onion Knight: "Goddess Almighty, you're so hokey."
Warrior of Light: "Hi, Cecil. What brings you here?"
Cecil: "Anyone mentions the word 'moon', and I can hear it."
Lynn: "Really good hearing, huh?"
Cecil: "I hear... whispers from the moon."
Aria: "Okay, someone put this nutcake in the asylum. Now."
Cecil: "I've always wanted to go back to the moon..."
Ryoko: "You'll die up there. It's so cold and there's no atmosphere at all."
Cecil: "LIES! Have you ever been to the moon?!"
Lynn: "Well... no."
Cecil: "I HAVE! And we were able to walk on the surface without bouncing around, we went to meet the God of the Summons in his dungeon, and we defeated Zemus in the moon's core! It was not absolutely freezing and I certainly could breathe!!"
Aria: "...and Luna was imprisoned on the moon for one thousand years, too."
Lynn: "You really are a pony nerd, aren't you?"
Aria: "YES."
Ryoko: "Are you saying that our government would LIE to us about the moon, Cecil?"
Cecil: "It is a place of power and grace. Says so on my sword."
Ryoko: "And you believe your... sword?"
Cecil: "Well I've been there. So I know it's true."
Lynn: "Everyone, do me a favor and never say the word 'moon' ever again."
Cecil: "WHY DID YOU SAY MOON?!"
Onion Knight: "...yeeeah."
Warrior of Light: "Cecil, we must resume our quest. I am sorry to leave you like this, but we really must defeat Awkward Cloud before the awkwardness gets any worse."
Cecil: "Okay then. If you ever need me, you know the word to say!" *immediately runs out at top speed* "IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, I WILL PUNISH EVILDOERS!"
Firion: "Let's finish this adventure. It's freaking me the everlasting fuck out."
Warrior of Light: "Losing his family really has done a number on him. Being stranded like this in Ivalice... it messes with all of us."
Onion Knight: "Light's right."
Ryoko: "Okay, let's go find that path of the rainbow the cafe owner told us about."

*they leave the weapons shop and head back to the fountain amid the thunderstorm*

Aria: "I can't see shit. All this rain."
Lynn: "We need a gigantic umbrella."
Onion Knight: "I don't see anything that looks like it would be a rainbow path anywhere around here."
Warrior of Light: "Based on previous questing experiences, I would suggest using a key item to reveal the path."
Ryoko: *holds up the Rainbow sword* "Haaaaaaaaaa!"

*nothing happens*

Ryoko: *tries again* "Haaaaaa...aaaaaa...aaaa?"
Lynn: "All those dramatics accomplished absolutely nothing."
Aria: "Yep. It's official. You're a lame main character."
Ryoko: "Shut up, you two!" *starts to put the sword away, but trips and accidentally smashes a rock with the rainbow sword, revealing a glowy stream of light* "...do what?"
Aria: "I stand corrected. You're a pathetic main character."
Ryoko: "I pulled a Collete. IT'S THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE."
Firion: "Collete?"
Aria: "Don't mind her, she's having an out-of-game-universe moment."
Firion: "This entire fic is an out-of-game-universe moment."
Warrior of Light: "Hmmm. This looks really familiar." *walks up to it* "I remember this from the Dissidia War! Look guys!" *gets on it and slides really fast* "I didn't think we'd find this kind of traveling again."
Firion: "Finally! Something normal!" *hops on it*
Onion Knight: *gets on it* "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Aria: "That looks like fun."
Lynn: "Sure does."
Ryoko: "I have to fix my status as a Collete arch-type character before it's too late!! Come on, you two, the guys are all ready ahead of us now..."
Aria: *walks up to it and hops on* "Wheeeeeeeeee!"
Lynn: "Don't forget your friendly neighborhood Onion Knight in training." *gets on it* "It's like surfing on a glowly extendable wave board!"
Ryoko: *walks up to it* "I'm going to hate this, aren't I?" *looks up for a moment and notices a circle glowing above her head with a triangle on it* "What in the name of chocolate cheesecake is that? ...uh oh." *her body loses control and jumps on the ray of light without her being ready* "DAMN YOU, BUTTON MASHING GOD!!"

*they all land in a different part of town, where it's dark and dreary. the rain has let up, but it certainly isn't a normal place. It feels run down and musky, like an extremely wet ghost town*

Ryoko: "...what the hell. The Button Mashing God totally threw me off. What a dick."
Warrior of Light: "He, in all his powerful might, is indeed a dick."
Firion: "I didn't think people with your sort of manners talked like that, Light."
Warrior of Light: "Even with my verbose vocabulary, I will not hesitate to call someone what they are."
Firion: "Fair enough."
Aria: "This place smells like rotten fish, week old bread, and porn."
Lynn: "...how do you know what porn smells like?"
Aria: "That's what the internet is for!" *makes an ^_^ anime smile*
Lynn: "That joke was really, really bad."
Ryoko: "Ah whatever. Let's just go toward that..."

*everyone looks ahead. there's a really tall castle made of clouds up ahead with thunder going off all the time.*

Ryoko: "Yeah. That."
Lynn: "Wait a minute. Can't you hear that?"
Onion Knight: "Incoming!"

*the ground rumbles, and in comes Sephiroth riding a huge Tickle-Me-Elmo like it's some kind of lion*

Sephiroth: "And now... I have come to escort my beautiful princess home with me!"
Ryoko: "Okay, I am confused. Really, really fucking confused."
Sephiroth: "Ahh! Ryo-chan!!" *jumps off of the Elmo* "I've looked everywhere for you... come home with me, please. Gariland was the best place for us."
Ryoko: "Sephy, we're done."
Sephiroth: "Awww. I suppose I don't have a choice then..." *gets out his seven foot long sword* "You'll have to fight to get past me."
Ryoko: "Gladly!" *looks back at everyone else* "This... is a personal settling of my past! You'd better stay out of it!"
Warrior of Light: "That sword is incredibly dangerous."
Ryoko: "Oh it is. But that's fine, I can handle this."
Warrior of Light: *looks at her sadly* "Be careful."
Ryoko: "I always am." *rushes into battle with Sephiroth*
Lynn: "Liar."
Aria: "Total fucking liar, is more like it. I've never actually seen her be careful in battle."
Firion: "Blunt as ever, aren't you?"
Aria: "That's never changed."
Lynn: "While she's fighting, we'll have to look for a way out. Then when we have it, we get her attention and all run together."
Aria: "Did you just come up with a plan?"
Lynn: "...don't be such a bitch."
Aria: "I'm just surprised you've been using your brain so much."
Lynn: "I think once this fic is over, I'm going to look for a new apartment."
Warrior of Light: "I pray she is victorious."
Firion: "Yeah buddy, no other girl's gonna wanna even get close to you."
Onion Knight: "I dunno, there's a pack of rabid fangirls over there."

*nearby there is an electrical cage full of screaming girls from the ages of 12 to 40. they're all at least sightly overweight, wearing glasses, and have either PSP or DS carrying cases strapped to their bodies. Some are wearing superhero or video game quote tees. Some are cosplaying. they're all shouting things like 'save me, I'm yours!', 'ooooh what a hottie!' and 'BACK THE FUCK OFF, HE'S MINE, I SAW HIM FIRST.'*

Warrior of Light: "How frightening!"

*two Kingdom Hearts crossplayers start making out with each other*

Firion: "Let's hurry up and get the hell out of here!"

~meanwhile, in the battle with Sephiroth:

Ryoko: "You won't get past me, Asshat McFuckface."
Sephiroth: "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to get past you."
Ryoko: "So are you working for the Awkward Cloud. That's not very like you."
Sephiroth: "How do you know what I'm like?"
Ryoko: "We dated for a while? Duh?"
Sephiroth: "Oh yeah. So we did."
Ryoko: "Ugh, now I'm even more disgusted!" *swipes her sword at him, but misses*
Sephiroth: *does his best Dhoulmagus impression* "What a pity." *stabs her with his sword, and it hits. HARD.*
Ryoko: "GAHHHHH!!"

~outside the battle:

Warrior of Light: "Ryoko?!!"
Firion: "Bro, you jinxed her."
Onion Knight: "Did not!"
Warrior of Light: *gets an idea lightbulb* "Aria! Do you have a cellphone or something?"
Aria: "Yeah, why?"
Warrior of Light: "I just have to try something."
Aria: "???" *hands him her phone*
Warrior of Light: *scans through the numbers* "I figured Alis would be in here..." *presses call* "Answer, please... answer..."
Alis (through phone): "Ryoko, sis, have I got something big to share with you!! That deal I signed with Light Bright Studios has come to fruition!!"
Warrior of Light: "Miss Alis, I don't know you, and you don't know me, but someone you care about is in severe trouble right now."
Alis (through phone): "...You're that widower with two kids and a dead-end job, aren't you?"
Warrior of Light: "Who told you that?! Whatever, I don't even care right now. Ryoko is locked in a battle with Sephiroth!!"
Alis (through phone): "Aw HELL no."
Warrior of Light: "What's worse is, she's losing."
Alis (through phone): "Hold on, I am on my way."
Warrior of Light: "I don't think she has very long..."

~back in the battle:

Ryoko: "I have my pride. I will never submit!"
Sephiroth: "I know. You never did. Such a stubborn little lady."
Ryoko: "That's my best feature."
Sephiroth: "No. The way you scream is your best feature." *casts Thundaga on Ryoko*
Ryoko: *flops to the ground, wriggling in pain*
Sephiroth: "You aren't screaming."
Ryoko: "I will... never... give you the satisfaction... of making me scream in pain."
Sephiroth: "You're making it really hard to get off on this."
Ryoko: "THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING?!!" *gets up and rushes her katana into his left arm* "I am not some toy!!"
Sephiroth: "I beg to differ..." *pulls out her katana and tosses it at her feet* "Try again."
Ryoko: "...this is it... I have so few HP left..."
Warrior of Light: "Ryoko! Don't give up! Help it on its way."
Ryoko: "Light, stay out of this!!"
Sephiroth: "Oh, I see how it is. Then... let me take this happiness away from you. That will strip you of your pitiful struggling, won't it?"
Ryoko: "...no."
Sephiroth: *rushes to battle with Warrior of Light instead*
Ryoko: "NOOOOO!!"

~just a few feet away:

Lynn: "I still can't find an opening anywhere. There's a petting zoo of zebra flamingos, an ice cream shop that sells nothing but sherbert, a gambling hall with no slot machines or poker tables, and a grilled cheese sandwhich stand." *is eating a sammich*
Aria: "...whoa, what's that?"
Lynn: "Where?"
Aria: "Is that guy related to Sephiroth, maybe?"
Lynn: "That guy with the long fluffy silver hair? Is he wearing a... a thong?!"
Kuja: "Hmmmmmm." *floats in* "What are you little things doing here? Don't you realize that Sephiroth is about to use his Supernova spell? You should hurry along."
Aria: "But there's no exit in the way we need to go."
Kuja: "Yeah. Sephy's good at that. I suppose you want to get to the Cloud Castle up ahead, don't you?"
Lynn: *can't speak, her eyes are in the shape of hearts*
Aria: "Oh no, not another one..."
Kuja: "I know I'm flat out beautiful, girlie, but please don't stare. It's demeaning, even more a magnificent specimen as myself."
Lynn: "You're so goddamn pretty..."
Aria: "Aren't you like... with Onion or something?"
Lynn: "Who?"
Aria: *facepalm* "Okay, hairfeathers, we need a way out of here in the direction of the Cloud Castle, AND we need a way to save our friends from that maniac."
Kuja: "I don't know if I want to get mixed up with that spell..." *casts Seraphic Star at Sephiroth, and it stops his charging at Warrior of Light*
Sephiroth: "KUJA! HOW DARE YOU!"
Kuja: "Our deal is off, you big lug! C'mon, ladies, gather your party. I'll show you a way out."
Ryoko: *is so low on HP she can't move very well*
Warrior of Light: *runs to her side* "You're alive..."
Ryoko: "Yeah... I'll need an Elixir when we get to a safe spot."
Warrior of Light: "We'll find one. I swear it."
Sephiroth: "This isn't over yet!!"  *comes in from behind with his huge ass sword*
Warrior of Light: "Oh SHIIIIIIII-"

*suddenly the entire area is firebombed from above*

Alis (from above): "That's for everything, Sephy!!"
Ryoko: "...Alis?!"
Alis (from above): "Good thing we still had this airship from the last time shit got hectic, eh?"
Warrior of Light: "Ryoko, I called her. I thought you were going to die."
Ryoko: "Thanks for your concern, Light..."
Warrior of Light: "I... I don't want to ever lose you..."

*they kiss. it lasts entirely too damn long and sparkles are flying out everywhere because of it*

Onion Knight: "Ewww. Get a room, you two!"
Sephiroth: *is a pile of ashes*
Alis (from above): "Eh heh heh."
Sephiroth: *ashes crackle from still being on fire*
Firion: "Remind me to never get on that woman's bad side..."
Aria: "...yeah, that's pretty intense."
Lynn: *grunts and looks away* "Let's just find a way out of here, shall we?"
Kuja: "With pleasure. All of the members of Miss Ryoko's party should follow me. I know a way to the Cloud Castle."

*they all manage to get together and follow Kuja to the next area, which is a huge set of stairs that extends as far as anyone can see*

Squall: "Hi guys!"
Firion: "Whoa, you're wearing normal clothes?!"
Squall: "Haha, very funny."
Onion Knight: "Are you gonna summon a gigantic toaster?"
Squall: "I have a whole arsenal of gigantic toasters for all occasions."
Ryoko: "...why are you here?"
Alis: "To give you extra manpower. When I heard my older sister was getting herself into a situation where she could die, I knew I had to get involved."
Ryoko: "You'll throw off the balance of this fanfic, and you know it."
Alis: "I don't care. Squall and I are going to force our way into your party to help you defeat this... Cloud thing. But it's obvious you don't have the right junctions if you were getting your ass handed to you by Sephiroth."
Ryoko: "I don't use the ridiculous junctioning system!!"
Alis: "Well, there's your answer. You know junctioning can be broken when set up right. You'd be undefeatable if you just set your stats up right."
Lynn: "No sane person liked the junction system. The best development system was the job system in Final Fantasy V."
Ryoko: "No! The best one was in Final Fantasy IX! Learning stuff off of your equipment was totally the best way to go about it."
Aria: "You're all wrong. The best development system was in Tactics. You know, WHERE WE LIVE."
Alis: "...I suppose I can't argue with that. Either way, we're here to support you, that way we can drag you off to the beach or shopping or some other whimsical desire I might have."
Lynn: "Go back to your kink house in Gariland."
Firion: "So it was YOU who Ryoko was talking about!"
Alis: "There's only one person in all of Ivalice who has an entire kink house."
Lynn: *groan* "I'll just exit stage right, thanks..."
Ryoko: "Alis... thanks for your support, but we'll never get anything done with you here. Our party size is restricted to six. I'm not lying on this."
Alis: *sadface* "You're not kidding, are you?"
Ryoko: "We've had tons of adventures in the past..."
Alis: "Fine, fine." *looks at Warrior of Light* "You... you're a nice guy. IF you EVER get thoughts of betraying Ryoko, I'll turn you into the same pile of ashes that I did Sephiroth!" *pulls out an Elixir and puts it in his hand* "So stop by when all of this is over, or call if you need me. I'll provide air support any time. ...C'mon Squall, let's go take the airship out for a joy ride!!"
Squall: "Another joyride, huh?"

*Alis and Squall leave*

Lynn: *sigh*
Aria: "She has quite a bit of presence, doesn't she?"
Lynn: "That's the least of it."
Ryoko: "...it hurts..."
Warrior of Light: *dumps the Elixir on her head and pretty sparkles heal her magically*
Ryoko: "Oh much better!!" *stands up on her own* "I'm fighting fit again!"
Kuja: "Ahem! Up this flight of stairs is your castle. You'll find the Awkward Cloud lives within this fortress."
Lynn: "Thank you so much, Kuja..."
Onion Knight: "Why's a former Warrior of Chaos helping us?!"
Firion: "And why is Lynn swooning?"
Lynn: *blushes* "I don't know what you're talking about!"
Kuja: "She's swooning because I'm the most decadently dressed man she's ever seen..."
Firion: "I haven't seen so much self-love since your last orgy, dude."
Kuja: "I KNEW I recognized you!! You're the one with that cute bubble butt."
Lynn & Aria: O____________O;;
Firion: "Okay, so... I experimented a bit in the past..."
Kuja: "Being bi is just one step away from being fully gay, you know."
Lynn: "My poor dreams. You have crushed them. Kuja... how can you be so beautiful and then deny me the right to love you!! You've probably broken so many hearts being like this!"
Kuja: "Oh, sweetheart, it's not like that. If I liked girls, I would take you in a heartbeat. I love them young."
Aria: "Okay, Kuja thank you so much for your help, but we really do need to be going."
Kuja: "Any time, darlings~" *floats away*
Lynn: "Dammit."
Onion Knight: "Hey, Lynn...?"
Lynn: "What?"
Onion Knight: "Thanks for totally betraying me like that."
Lynn: "I didn't betray you."
Onion Knight: "No, but I... thought we had something."
Lynn: "We might in the future... we might not..." *starts to go up the stairs* "I never really think of romance that much. Onion, you're like my best friend. I never saw you in a romantic light."
Firion: "Friendzoned. Ouch."
Onion Knight: "Shut up, bro."
Firion: "You were dumped, bro."
Ryoko: "Let's go take down that stupid cloud once and for all."
Warrior of Light: "Agreed."

Artemecion: "And so, kupo, our heroes started to climb the stairs. Will they reach the top in time to defeat the Awkward Cloud? Find out next time, kupo!"

*the credits roll with Ryoko and Light singing a duet version of "One Love" by Pat Benatar*