Fanfic: 'Omake' part 10

Fanfiction: "Omake! The Sequel!" part 1, aka "Omake!" part 10
Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics
Genres: Humor / Parody / Romance
Warnings: OCs, OOC, sexual references, lots of cursing, yaoi, crack pairings

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Final Fantasy or my friends characters. Whatever comes of this is crack, and so I don't own what's referenced.

...fic start!

*the screen is black for a few minutes, until Ryoko walks into the camera's view*

Ryoko: "Hi everyone, and welcome to the sequel to 'Omake!'. I have to say that I didn't expect this big a turnout, but I'm glad to know that this series has an audience."

*crickets chirp and the camera shows that there's no one in the auidence*

Ryoko: "Well, fine, then, I'm talking to all of you viewing at home. I have to be honest with you. The second Omake doesn't even have a script! This whole thing is going to be improv. Any special effects are being created by our own abilities, and you might notice that there's been a lot of budget cuts. Like we don't even have a narrator anymore. But that's not what matters the most, is it? Don't worry, there will be plenty of silliness." *holds up a map of Ivalice that looks like it's been used as a cum rag* "Our story takes place here, at the center of this wet spot, in Igros, Ivalice."
Aria: *walks in* "Seriously, that's the map you're using?"
Ryoko: "Yep. What's wrong with it?"
Aria: *steals map and hands her a brand new one* "No need to show any bad habits with our exposition..."
Ryoko: "Uh huh. Anyway! Our story takes place in Igros, Ivalice. It's been about... what, three months since Awkward Cloud was defeated, right?"
Lynn: "Yep!" *also walks in* "Everyone's getting back on track like they should be. We're finally a normal family. Well, as normal as we can be."
Ryoko: "So~ Fade out, and we'll see YOU during the episode!"

*the screen fades out, and comes back in to Mog from FF6*

Mog: "AHEM! We gave you a warning before, kupo! The lack of moogle representation in this fanfic would get you punished, kupo! Tonight, kupo, every actor has been replaced by a moogle cosplaying as that character!!"
Artemecion: "That'll teach you kupo humans not to kupo with us, kupo!! I hated being narrator, kupo!"
Mogrika: "That is so kupo."

*the screen fades into the apartment, which is really full of boxes. And it's full of moogles, who are dressed as the characters*

Alis-moogle: "I believe everything has been moved, kupo. We have everything here, kupo."
Light-moogle: "Thanks so much, kupo. Your airship has been so helpful in getting everything where it should be, kupo."
Ryoko-moogle: "Kupo!! Now we're a real family!"
Onion-moogle: "I have to get my stuff, kupo!" *starts carrying the boxes marked "ONION'S CRAP!"*
Alis-moogle: "That's kupo. I'll catch you kupos later." *floats away kinda wobbly, the way moogles always float around*
Firion-moogle: "Kupo, I didn't think we had so much stuff."
Lynn-moogle: "How long were you living in that apartment, kupo?"
Onion-moogle: "Kuuupoooo... maybe about a few weeks, kupo."

*the moogles just wiggle their pom-poms at each other and stare for a few minutes*

Aria-moogle: "This is kupoing stupid."
Lynn-moogle: "We should all star in our own comedy, kupo."
Ryoko-moogle: "Get the humans in here, Kupo, we're kupoing out of here."
Light-moogle: "But, kupo, the humans are on vacation, kupo... we told them we'd fill in this episode, kupo."
Firion-moogle: "What are we, kupoing slave labor? They can move their own kupo."
Onion-moogle: "Kupo! Go to where they are, camera! It's their show anyway!!"

*the screen fades out, and then fades into a beach house somewhere in Warjilis Trade City. The camera zooms in through one of the windows to find that Light and Ryoko are stark naked in bed with nothing covering them except the censor's black boxes*

Ryoko: "...that was so delightful, I can't even move."
Light: "Hmm."
Ryoko: "I'm so glad we have this episode off. We don't have to act all innocent in front of the camera..."
Light: "And to think, I had to play the one that had no clue about these kinds of things. It's blasphemy, as far as I'm concerned."
Ryoko: "I know!" *rolls over, looking at the ceiling to notice the camera is there* "Wai... wait! What the hell?! I thought the moogles were covering this episode!"
Light: *yanks a sheet over the both of them, which makes the censor boxes fade away, but more of their bodies can be seen through the sheet* "You snuck in through here, Camera! You ruined our entire character gimmicks this way!"
Ryoko: "Yeah! I had to play the cute and innocent girl that has a very fluffy, romantic relationship! The group good-girl, so to speak. Little does the audience at home know that we have a very... steamy relationship." *cuddles on Light* "Goddess, I never want to leave this bed. Ever."
Light: "If I had my way, we never would..."

*the camera flies through the door and goes down the hallway to find that Lynn and Onion Knight are actually playing DD:FF on their PSPs*

Onion: "You are so SCREWED."
Lynn: "I don't THINK so!!"

*they're both playing as Onion Knight*

Onion: "...WHAT."
Lynn: "Boom bada boom boom boom!! HAAA!"

*Lynn wins!*

Lynn: *does the victory fanfare and looks up for a second while she's dancing around* "Huh? ...is that the...? It IS."
Onion: "Oh shit, what's the fucking camera doing here? I thought this episode was covered by the moogles?"
Lynn: "Wait. Maybe they rebelled?"
Onion: "What?"
Lynn: "I got a letter from Nono recently stating the moogles are very unhappy with how they are treated in regards to work. Not only were they playing us to give us a chance to rest after taking out the Awkward Cloud, but they were also doing our moving for us. So they could have rebelled."
Onion: "Who the fuck is Nono?"
Lynn: "My moogle pen pal!"
Onion: *blink blink* "do WHAT. You have a moogle for a penpal? Can those pom-pom sporting fluff balls even write?"
Lynn: "People like you are the reason there's still borders between the races! Ivalice wanted to be a human only nation, so they drove out all the other races - Nu Mou, the intelligent; Bangaa, the strong; Viera, the spiritual; Moogles, the clever; Gria, the beautiful; Seeq, the... umm... the fatasses. They all lived alongside us, the humes, who stood for balance. There was a war... a brutal, evil, horrible, traumatic war where the races were driven from Ivalice... this war was known as the RACE WAR."
Onion: "...Are you sure you're telling the history properly?"
Lynn: "The history books will tell you that Ivalice now is at a time where all the other races are extinct. But it's a lie. Moogles are still around, just they like to stay hidden from the eyes of most humans. Far to the south of Ivalice is a land that they founded. Even now they want to integrate, to join society in Ivalice because that land is ravaged and lifeless!"
Onion: "Ravaged and lifeless?"
Lynn: "Yes. Very."
Onion: "...umm. Where's the proof of all this?"
Lynn: "In the letters that Nono has sent to me."
Onion: "Still, I wonder what the camera is doing here?"
Lynn: "There must be something going on, then..."

*the camera flies around, looking for the other two, but they seem to be missing... until...*

Aria: "No, no, order the 5000 model. Trust me. It will sell like hotcakes."
Firion: "Are you kidding? I think the 3000 model is much more managable."
Aria: "The length doesn't matter, baby, the width does."

*the camera zooms into a room to find out that they're arguing about dildos. there are boxes of them sitting around, and they are comparing different models.*

Firion: "All I'm saying is that no one's going to buy that wide-as-a-chocobo's-ass piece of plastic. They won't be able to fit it up in there."
Aria: "Even the tightest of holes can fit it."
Firion: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do? Have someone try it out?!"
Aria: *evil grin* "That's the best way to do research!"
Firion: "That... that was rhetorical!"
Aria: "No, no, it was a wonderful idea." *puts two of the extra wide ones in her purse* "I think I'm gonna pay a visit to my best friends..."
Firion: "I dunno, Light seems to have Ryoko pretty busy."
Aria: "Excellent." *she walks out, not even noticing the camera is watching her*
Firion: *facepalms "...deciding to start a kink shop was probably the worst idea in my entire life... but I've been thinking with my wrong brain again..."

~out in the hall:

Onion: "Oh now you're just making shit up."
Lynn: "No, really, the three goddesses left a symbol of their power in a hidden land-"
Onion: "Then how do you know it's there?! If it's hidden, then how do you know about it?!"
Lynn: "Because Ganon stole it and turned the Golden Land into the Dark World!"
Onion: "...you have got to be fucking kidding me. You're not even talking about Ivalice anymore, are you?"
Lynn: "I'm talking about Hyrule."
Onion: "And where is Hyrule?"
Lynn: "I don't quite know, I never paid that much attention in geography class."
Onion: "I don't think you paid attention in any class, Lynn. How did you graduate?"
Lynn: "I did really well in art!"
Onion: *sigh* "That's enough to graduate high school in Ivalice?"
Lynn: "I didn't go to high school in Ivalice."
Onion: "That explains a lot."
Lynn: "Yeah. I didn't graduate because I never attended school at all. I was raised in a Warrior's Guild."
Onion: "So how do you know all of this history stuff?"
Lynn: "I played a lot of video games in my spare time."
Onion: "..."
Aria: *passes by* "Hey, Lynn, can I talk to you later?"
Lynn: "Why can't we talk now?"
Aria: "Because I have to pester Ryoko first."
Lynn: "Why pester her? I thought she said that she and Light didn't want to be bothered until it was time to go back home?"
Aria: "This is important..."
Lynn: "Then tell me about it! I want to know what's going on!"
Aria: "...you're a bit young, Lynn. You wouldn't understand."
Lynn: "Then why can we talk later, but not now?"
Aria: "Have you been learning how to debate or something? You never used to say things like that."
Lynn: "I've been learning from Onion!"
Aria: "...have you, now?" *giggles for a moment* "Keep it up." *keeps on walking towards the other hall*
Lynn: "She's like a big sister to me!"
Onion: "She seems like she has something troubling on her mind..."

*Onion sees the camera fly by*

Onion: "Oh shit."
Firion: *walks up to him* "Sup bro?"
Onion: "That." *points at the camera*
Firion: "What the... why the hell is that thing here?! It should be recording the peaceful episode happening back at home!"
Lynn: "The moogles are rebelling against Ganondorf because he stole the San Fransisco Gate Bridge while wearing nothing but a condom!!"
Firion: *has this expression on his face like he's about to say 'WHAT THE FUCK' but he can't quite get it out*
Onion: "Yeah... don't ask."
Firion: "...I don't think I can."
Lynn: "And Ghaleon kidnapped Aeris to stop the Lion War but it didn't stop!! That's because Harry Potter pulled the Sword from the Stone and became King of Idiocracy and used it to fight off Luca Blight from destroying all of Avenberry."
Firion: "So... Harry kept the war going?"
Lynn: "Yeah because if Avenberry was destroyed, then the whole world would have been. There's a gigantic statue of the Goddess Althena there!"
Firion: "And the statue kept the world safe?"
Lynn: "Yep!"
Onion: "Why are you encouraging her?!"
Firion: "Because it annoys the everlasting shit out of you."

~down the hall, first door to the right*

Aria: *knocks* "Can I come in?"
Light: *answers the door with a sheet held around his waist* "No?"
Aria: "I would like to speak to Ryoko."
Light: "Ryoko's actually sleeping right now. What's wrong?"
Aria: "...it's a girl thing."
Light: "Then you'll have to wait."
Aria: "Let me in, Light!"
Light: "...not right now."
Ryoko: "Dear, who is it?"
Light: "...it's not important."
Ryoko: "Aww, if it's Aria or Lynn, just let 'em in."
Light: *groan* "Oh all right, fine." *steps away and then crawls right back into bed*
Aria: "Ryoko, I need you to do me a big favor." *walks in to see that Light and Ryoko are incredibly snuggly on each other, nakie, under a sheet* "Oh. Now I see. Well, this is a perfect opportunity. I need you to review a product for me."
Ryoko: "Is it Japanese style silk ropes?"
Aria: "...um, no."
Ryoko: "Is it a super sexy blindfold?"
Aria: "Not that either."
Ryoko: "Edible undies?"
Aria: "Unfortunately not."
Ryoko: "A whip?"
Aria: "Uh... nope."
Ryoko: "...is it bondage related at all?"
Aria: "Would you let me just tell you?"
Ryoko: "But I wanna guess what it is!"
Aria: *pauses* "I'm not going to lie. It's a dildo."
Ryoko: "I don't need one of those, I've got a perfectly functional real thing right over here."
Aria: "Please just... test it."
Ryoko: *hesitant* "Where do you... need it tested?"
Aria: "The usual places."
Ryoko: "...placeS?! As in more than one place?"
Aria: "Yep."
Ryoko: *extremely hesitant* "I don't think so..."
Aria: "C'mon, you're my best friend. I need this product tested before Firion will agree with me to order a whole shipment of them!"
Light: "...are you sure we killed Awkward Cloud a few months ago?"
Aria: "I believe these things will be a hit!"
Ryoko: "Your pitch isn't working for me."
Aria: "If I can't get -you- to try it, there's no way that I'll be able to get Lynn to try it."
Lynn: *pops head in* "Someone say my name?"
Aria: "You're a little young for this."
Lynn: "Whoa! Light, you're so buff! You look awesome without your armor! Check you out!"
Light: "Thanks... I think?"
Firion: *shoves Lynn out of the way* "Aria, you're making a mistake! You can't pitch this to the most innocent of our friends!" *sees Light and Ryoko* "...baby I didn't know you were gonna start a porn business too."
Ryoko: O////////////////O;; "Wha-wha-WHAT?!?"
Onion: "Lynn! I demand a rematch! I'll kick your butt at Dissidia this time!" *runs in and finally notices the situation. "Firion, I told you that you couldn't watch them! It's rude!"
Lynn: "They're so adorable together like that, though."
Light: "...you guys know that the camera is here now, right?"
Everyone but Aria: "yep."
Aria: "You're kidding! There's no way the camera..."
Everyone: *points upward*
Aria: *sees it* "Oh fuck."
Light: "Yep. All of our gimmicks from our onscreen characters? They've evaporated. This show is practically toast."
Ryoko: "Not like we weren't hanging by a thread with our horrible ratings anyway."
Light: "All right, guys, guess we have to go back to Igros."
Aria: "...it seems like the moogles quit on us, then."
Lynn: "They did! You see they're rebelling against the Scarlet Moon Empire-"
Everyone else: "LYNN!"
Lynn: "Gosh, I was just trolling you guys! I know it's not true!"

*screen fades out to a picture of the group eating dinner and the credits scroll over it to the tune of a Swahili cover of the theme song to Jet Set Radio*