'Omake!' S2E4

Fanfiction: "Omake!" S3E4
Based on: Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy Tactics
Genres: Humor / Parody / Romance
Warnings: OCs, OOC, sexual references and situations, lots of cursing, yaoi, crack pairings

Disclaimer: For fuck's sake, you're persistent.

...fic start!

*TV screen flickers, then goes to a static screen, then goes to an 'off the air' sign. Light and Ryoko are sitting on the couch together after everyone else has gone to bed.*

Light: "I didn't realize that TV networks ever went off the air."
Ryoko: "That's weird, I thought they didn't anymore. That there's too many night owls to capitalize on."
Light: *looks directly into the camera* "...for all of you watching at home, tonight's episode might scare you. It contains some images not safe for children or people who might carry children one day."
Ryoko: "Yeah. So don't read without the lights on! Or else you can't see."
Light: "...where did that come from?"
Ryoko: "I mean, don't watch without the lights on!"
Light: "No, we want to tell you that this isn't a safe episode for the little ones."
Ryoko: "Poor kids might get nightmares over this shit, you have to be careful!"

*scene changes to the apartment in the morning, where Ryoko and Light are snuggled on each other on the couch asleep in a very... umm... yeeeeeah kind of position. Lynn and Onion are in the kitchen, snarfing on cold pizza for breakfast*

Lynn: "Best. Idea. Ever."
Onion: "I know, right?"

*they keep eating and giggling until Light sticks his head up over the couch*

Light: *yawns extremely loudly. It gets their attention.*
Onion: "Sup Dad?"
Light: "You kids are loud in the morning."
Onion: "Not as loud as you two were last night."
Lynn: "It's not a bad thing for parents to love each other."
Onion: "Is that what they call it these days?"
Light: "You're such a douche, Onion."
Onion: *winks* "Oh, I know."
Light: *lays back down where he was and gets comfy again*

*the door busts wide open and Alis steps in*

Alis: *sees how Light and Ryoko are positioned* "...well damn. I didn't realize you had it in you, Light."
Light: "Shove it."
Squall: *also walks in* "Are we interrupting anything?"
Light: "Goddess Almighty!" *gets up and buttons his pijama shirt* "I can't get any sleep these days. This house is too noisy."
Alis: "You certainly aren't going to get any sleep wearing silk pijamas around Ryoko. She digs that kind of thing." *shrugs* "But I'm not here to tell you how to bed my closest friend, Light. The truth is, I've found out something about that party..."
Squall: *hands her a scroll* "Here ya go."
Alis: "Thanks, babe." *reading from the scroll* "Golbez is the one hosting the party, and it's actually not going to be open to everyone in the public. Four sources have noted that it's in a penthouse at the most expensive inn in Lesalia."
Lynn: "Four sources?"
Alis: "You don't think I get info on my own, do you?" *snaps her fingers and a team of four ninjas wearing nothing but red appear behind her* "This is my crack commando ninja squad!!"
Lynn: "...so that's how you were keeping tabs on Ryoko while she's been away from you."
Alis: "Yep. Great work, boys. Anything else?"
Ninja 1: "Dat dere paaaty goin' be up in the Chatterin' Chocobo."
Alis: "I thought that was just a bar."
Ninja 2: "No. It's actually an inn."
Ninja 3: "THE BIGGEST INN THAT ALLOWS GAYS IN LESALIA!!"
Ninja 4: "Snarf."
Alis: "Wonderful."
Ninja 3: "YOU'RE VERY WELCOME, MADAM."
Onion: "What's his deal?"
Ninja 2: "Naruto never learned to speak quietly."
Ninja 3: "I'M A NINJA, NINJA, NINJA!! BELIEVE IT!!"
Alis: "I do. Now wait until it's time to go."
Ninja 3: "YES MADAM!!"
Ninja 4: "Snarf, snarf."
Alis: "Thanks, Snarf."
Ninja 4: "Snarf!!" *gives a salute*
Ryoko: *sits straight up, rubs her eyes, and looks around* "Alis, I told you don't do that kinda thing anymore, you know."
Alis: "I'm not here to invite you to a S&M Dungeon today." *crosses her arms*
Ryoko: "Then what are you doing here so early?"
Alis: *sigh* "The dragoness sleeps all morning." *points at the clock and it's all ready noon*
Ryoko: *looks up at it* "That's funny, I thought Aria and I were supposed to do the grocery shopping today at noon."

*eerie silence*

Ryoko: "I guess she made other plans."
Light: "Actually, remember, we were waiting up for her and Firion last night. Did they never come home?"
Alis: "Is she usually a late sleeper?"
Lynn: "You kidding? She usually takes care of us young'uns."
Onion: "Yeah, she always makes my sack lunches for school!"
Lynn: "I could make you sack lunches!"
Onion: "You don't make them the way she does... Aria makes them special!"
Ryoko: "What's so special about Aria's sack lunches?"
Onion: "She makes me bacon baconwiches!"

*awkward pause*

Light: "Err... what is a baconwich?"
Onion: "That's a sandwich where... instead of bread, there's bacon where the bread should be."
Light: "Then... what exactly is a bacon... baconwich?"
Onion: "That's a baconwich where the filling is bacon."
Light: *makes a weird expression*
Ryoko: "Sounds extremely crunchy."
Onion: "It is~"
Light: "...and greasy." *pretends to gag himself* "A few strips are fine, but who needs THAT much at once?!"
Onion: "I DO."
Squall: "Why aren't you in school anyway, Onion?"
Onion: "Aria wasn't here to make sure I got up on time and I was up all night eating pizza and playing video games with Lynn."
Lynn: *stuffing her face with leftovers* "Yep."
Alis: "So the house clearly relies on her. I think this is much more important than that stupid party thing."
Ryoko: "No, because that party thing is trying to trap Firion, and I get the feeling that if Firion doesn't apologize to Aria, she'll not be coming back. She might have left to find him."
Light: "Oh! All right then. Ryoko, you and Lynn have known Aria the longest, you should search for her. Someone has to stay here to wait just in case one of them comes home. Onion and I will be here for that."
Aria: "Here, gals, I'll give you a lift in my airship. Squall, you stay here with the guys."
Squall: "Fair enough."
Light: *kisses Ryoko's forehead* "You'll be just fine. Oh, yes, I've also decided on my new job. Everyone..." *he stands up, places his hands to his heart, and begins to pray. His aura turns purple for a slight burst, and his armor turns into a martial arts gi* "...meet the new me."
Ryoko: "You're a monk."
Light: "Yes!"
Alis: "Well. I'm not trying to steal your man or nothin' but... damn, that's pretty nice."
Light: "I'll take that as a compliment."
Alis: "Oh yeah, that's a compliment all right." *shrugs* "C'mon, ladies, let's go find Aria. We don't need the house falling apart, do we?"
Lynn: "Nope."
Ryoko: *runs into a closet, and changes from her pijamas to her summoner's dress almost instantly, then runs back out* "Let's go find Aria!"

*the girls go together to the balcony and leap into the airship*

Light: "How is that... physically possible?!"
Squall: "It's because of time magic. That's Alis' second job. Time mage."
Onion: "Then why didn't she go on to become a summoner like Ryoko? Ryoko was a time mage for a while, or she told us so."
Squall: "I don't know that story entirely. I know you have to know some Time Magic to learn how to Summon, but from what I understand, Ryoko only studied enough Time Magic to become a summoner. Alis mastered it."
Light: "That makes sense, to be honest."
Onion: "Hmm."
Squall: "So, Light, I have a question for you."
Light: "And what's that?"
Squall: "Dude, Ryoko."
Light: "That's not a question."
Squall: "If you'd shut your trap..."
Light: "Oh, sorry."
Squall: "What the hell was that when we walked in?"
Light: "We were waiting up for Aria and Firion to come home last night. And we cuddled on each other, fell asleep, and woke up to the noise of Onion and Lynn snarfing down leftovers."
Onion: "They were fuckin' good, too."
Squall: "Cuddling, eh? Yeeeeah, tell that to the extreme pervert that is my girlfriend."
Onion: "You were working at a Nyan Cat themed bar and you call my dad a pervert?"
Squall: "...he's your dad? Dude, you suck at parenting, too."
Light: "He's not my son!"
Onion: "Yeah Jecht is a better dad than you..."
Squall: "...you were raised by JECHT?!"
Onion: "He let me watch My Little Pony!"
Light: "I don't care if you watch My Little Pony."
Squall: "Jecht's a brony, too?"
Light: "Yep. And he doesn't even hide it in the closet like you do."
Onion: "He tortures Tidus with it."
Squall: "...no, don't say his name... he might just show up like he did at the bar."
Onion: "I thought Tidus died when the bar exploded."
Light: "The bar didn't explode."
Onion: "It did when Bahumut came and blew it up with his Megaflare."

*awkward silence*

Light: "You've been hanging out with Ryoko too much again."
Onion: "Yeah and you've been sleeping with her too much again."
Squall: "Oooh, burn."
Light: "Actually we didn't-"
Squall: "...so you say."

~meanwhile, on the airship:

Alis: "Oh ho ho ho~ Welcome to my beloved airship, Lynn."
Lynn: "It's nice. Now let's look for Aria."
Alis: "I'll put into the scanner here to look for something that belongs to her. What should I put in?"
Ryoko: "Her phone. That... what the hell was it called?"
Alis: "That Super Special Do Everything Phone that you can call any number in any of the worlds on?"
Ryoko: "You... knew it could do that?"
Alis: "Oh yes." *puts that into the computer thingy on the dashboard of the airship* "Now... we process."
Lynn: "So that's your special machine, eh?"
Alis: "Yes. I can find any magical artifact or other magical machines through this device. I've been able to track the Imagination Printer to keep up with Ryoko."
Lynn: "Hmm. That sounds pretty handy."
Alis: "Yeah, especially with all that world hopping she's always doing."
Lynn: "I've heard of it, but lately she hasn't done much of that."
Alis: "It's Light, isn't it?"
Lynn: "Might be."
Ryoko: "...why are you talking about me when I'm right here?"
Alis: "Because you were doing that thing where you pretended you were invisble again, and I was just playing along."
Lynn: "Can't argue with that."

~meanwhile, somewhere else:

Jecht: *on the phone* "Are you kidding? I can't do that."
Voice on the line: "Do it, Jecht."
Jecht: *on the phone* "But... it violates the rules of the multiverse."
Voice on the line: "Then we... will cancel the development of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic season 3!!"
Jecht: *on the phone* "YOU WOULDN'T DARE."
Voice on the line: "Then you know what you must do..."
Jecht: *on the phone* "...fine. You have yourselves a deal." *hangs up* "I'm sorry, missy. I really am. The boss says he wants you gone."

*the camera pans over to Aria being trapped in a large plastic sciencey tube like what Cloud and Zack were kept in from FFVII*

Aria: "Gone?!"
Jecht: "Yes. But I can't do it unless I catch all of ya."
Aria: "You're going to catch all of us?!"
Jecht: "I think with the right bait, I don't have to work that hard, eh heh heh."
Aria: "Bu... but Jecht, this isn't you... what's wrong with you? Whatever happened to... you know, the... douche that plays for the Zanarkand Abes? Okay so you've always been a douche, but I thought you were growing a personality that wasn't so... douchey by learning what My Little Pony Friendship is Magic was all about! Love and Tolerance!"
Jecht: "...I'm gonna love and tolerate all of you. I won't kill you. The show has softened my heart." *he picks up a quill and some parchment* "So... I will do you all a favor."
Aria: *starts knocking on the sides of the tube thingy* "I will get out of here."
Jecht: "Don't even try it, missy." *presses a button and gas goes into the tube thingy* "Sleep well, for when you wake, you'll thank me."
Aria: "...you're... despicable..."  *coughs, then falls into a weird sitting position and passes out*
Jecht: *whispers* "Celestia have mercy on your soul."

*dramatic music plays*

~and then, back on the airship:

Ryoko: "And so I said-"

*the airship's computer beeps extremely loudly*

Alis: "We've found it!"
Lynn: "That took all of ten whole minutes."
Alis: "Oh hush. I'll have it teleport us down where the phone is."
Ryoko: "All right, then!"

*they teleport down on the road in front of the Brony Shop*

Ryoko: "The Brony Shop?!"
Alis: "Another pony fan, huh?"
Lynn: "Yes. Bigger than us. It should come as no surprise."

*suddenly an arrow flies out of the window of the Brony shop, headed faster than anything they've ever seen*

All three: "Uh oh."

*they go up to the door to find that the Aria's phone was dropped there. It's recieved twenty thousand twitter updates and missed about five thousand texts*

Ryoko: "Um..." *picks up the phone* "...Aria isn't here."
Alis: "I see that."
Lynn: "She's inside! She has to be!" *busts the door open* "Aria?! Where are you?!"

*all they find is Jecht standing there with a gigantic Luna toy*

Alis: "...okay. The manliest man I think I've ever seen... is playing with a... My Little Pony." *shakes her head* "What is wrong with this town?"
Ryoko: "Truthfully... I'm not quite sure."
Lynn: "You!! Where's Aria?!"
Jecht: "Are you talking about the dancer girl?"
Ryoko: "So she WAS here!"
Jecht: "Yeah, she was. And now, you're here."
Lynn: "...so, do you know where she went?"
Jecht: "I have a guess. She went downstairs to look at all the best stuff in the house."
Ryoko: "Then that's where we're going!" *starts to go, but Alis grabs her cape*
Alis: "Doesn't something seem kinda suspicious to you? About that guy?"
Lynn: "It's just Jecht, Alis. He's harmless ever since he got into Friendship is Magic."
Jecht: "Oh, Luna... you're everything my wife never was to me." *acts incredibly in-love with the Luna toy*
Alis: "On second thought I am not going to stay in the same room as him."

*they go downstairs and find there's three gigantic person-sized test tube thingies, with no Aria in sight*

Ryoko: "This is... creepy."
Lynn: "Incredibly."
Alis: "I KNEW IT."

*they start to go upstairs but Jecht blocks their way*

Jecht: "I'm not going to hurt you."
Alis: "I knew you weren't sane!"
Jecht: "This is all about love and tolerance, ladies. Just like I told your beautiful dancer friend."
Lynn: "What did you do with Aria?!"
Jecht: "I gave her a ticket to a vacation of her dreams."
Ryoko: "She doesn't want to tour Hell, asshole."
Jecht: "I didn't send her to Hell..." *brings out his impossibly huge sword* "I sent her to a place she could only dream of going to before."
Ryoko: "Uh oh... if we fight at full strength in here, the building's gonna crash on top of us!"
Lynn: "Yeah, we're in a basement."
Alis: "All right then. I have a plan!"  *tries to cast Stop on Jecht*
Jecht: "No. I'm sorry, ladies. I don't have a choice. Every Brony is counting on me to do this right. I will not be to blame for letting down millions of Bronies!" *uses the sword to push them into the tubes, and then closes them down by pressing a gigantic red button* "The boss wants you dead. I can't do that. The show taught me love and tolerance. I will show you all love... and tolerance."
Alis: "What boss?!"
Ryoko: "Send us... somewhere?"
Lynn: "Wherever he's sending us, is where Aria is!"
Jecht: "The bronies need my support." *picks up his cellphone and dials a number* "Boss, it's done, they are dead... the three, plus a witness... yes. All right. Will do." *hangs up and presses another button on the panel* "Please... enjoy what I cannot..."
Lynn: "What are you talking about?"
Alis: "These tubes are filling up with gas!"
Ryoko: "Oh no... I can't..." *slumps over and starts falling asleep* "Light... I love you..."
Lynn: "Ryoko!! Wake up!!"
Alis: "That's it, Jecht, you are DEAD, you hear me?! DEAD!!"
Jecht: "I will tell him those were your final words..." *bows his head*

~and the arrow, wherever it was going:

Firion: "Maybe I should go back home... ugh, I really do miss Aria."
*the arrow lands right in front of him*
Firion: "...huh?" *looks at the letter on the arrow* "...what?! This... just... WHAT?!" *gets extremely angry* "The person responsible will not see the sunset!!" *grips the note and runs off*

~and, finally, back at the apartment:

Squall: "No, man. No. When you eat a girl out-"
*door busts open and Firion is standing there, panting, trying to catch his breath*
Light: "Firion! Where have you been!"
Onion: "Bro, you okay?"
Firion: "No... no I'm not... is... is Aria home?"
Onion: "Nah. we were waiting for one of you to come home, but the girls went out looking for her."
Firion: "Oh SHIT."
Squall: "Dude, the girls have the airship, they'll be fine."
Firion: *slaps the note down on the table* "Some asshat's got Aria. Apparently, they want me so badly that they'll kill Aria."
Squall: "But surely a lady onion knight, a dancer, a summoner, and a white mage with time magic powers can defend themselves. They are quite a team if they just put their powers together toward the same goal."
Firion: "Dude, whoever this is... they aren't playing around."
Light: "Then we must search for them!"
Firion: "Yeah. I came home looking for whoever I could find. You guys will just have to do."
Onion: "What a vote of confidence..."
Light: "We've no time to waste!!"

*they leave together, armed to the teeth, ready to fight*

~and somewhere else:

Kuja: "Ooooh, where is that Jecht, anyway?"
Sephiroth: "Oh let it go, Snugglebottom."
Kuja: "I need those girls out of the way if I'm ever going to catch my Bubble Butt Bi-Sexual Panda, you know."
Sephiroth: "He's not in love with you, Kuja. He isn't. He never was."
Kuja: "Are you calling me... just a fling?!"
Sephiroth: "To him you were."
Kuja: *breaks down and cries* "It's not fair! Why can I not have that ass for my very own?!"
Sephiroth: "...Snugglebottom..." *comforts Kuja with really cuddly snuggles and then pins him down to lick his nose* "Stop this... what am I to you? Just a fling? Do you not love me?"
Kuja: "I love you, but... he would make a great slave for the dungeon."
Sephiroth: "Well. Yes. That is true."