Fanfic: 'Omake!' S3E1

Fanfiction: "Omake!" S3E1
Based on: Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions and Dissidia Duodecim Final Fantasy
Genres: Fuck. All of them except hurt/comfort... because that sucks.
Warnings: OCs, OOC, OCxCanon pairings, crack, yaoi, crack pairings, crossdressing

Disclaimer: I don't own any of what's featured except my own character, Ryoko. Aria belongs to ~kyohaku, Lynn belons to ~tibby-san, and Alis belongs to ~fallnlove. Do me a favor and keep your lawsuits to shit that matters.

~FIC START~

*the camera closes in on Ryoko, who's holding up half a banner. It pulls out to reveal that Light is holding up the other half.*
Banner: "Yay! Season 3 hast started!"
Aria: "I thought it wasn't until November..."
Onion: "We're not talking about ponies."
Aria: "...what a fuddy duddy."
Lynn: "And I was so excited, too."
Light: "You're not excited about the start of season 3 of Omake?"
Firion: "I think it's more like Season 2 was abruptly interrupted and they were so looking forward to that experience."
Squall: "And that's probably the most sane thing you've ever said."
Firion: "...so why are you here for season 3?!"
Squall: "Because I finally graduated from Mercenary School at Balamb and now I'm a free man."
Alis: "Now he can get a job and we can start a family!"
Ryoko: "Doing what?"
Squall: "Being a mercenary, of course. It's what I went to school to do. Finally, the career I've worked so hard to reach!"
Lynn: "But, Squall. Weren't you doing mercenary work WHILE you were at the school?"
Squall: "I did, but I got paid just a sliver of what the clients paid. It's like an internship, almost."
Firion: "So, you graduated, huh?"
Squall: "Yep!"
Ryoko: "But how? Weren't all the Final Fantasy homeworlds destroyed during the Dissidia War? I was under the impression that you all lived in Ivalice now because your worlds imploded without you for so long."
Light: "I am interested, myself."
Squall: "...okay so I haven't been back home. But I printed out this fancy diploma from the internet." *holds up the diploma proudly* "I even made it say Balamb Garden!"
Firion: "That's pretty sharp, man. Maybe you should go into Graphic Design."
Light: "It is impressive."
Firion: "Yeah, I suck at photoshop. Look at that thing over there on the wall."

*everyone looks at the wall, and there's a framed picture of scribbles*

Firion: "That's the best I can do. But you, you faked a diploma! With a neat little seal and everything. Seriously, you could make big bucks forging documents like these. Screw being a mercenary, man, let's get into organized crime."
Squall:
Alis: "Well it would be safer..."
Light: "I don't know if this is a good idea."
Aria: "I don't want you getting into trouble, Firionel."
Firion: "Baby, those dildos got you into more trouble than I will working with Squall."
Onion: "...oooh, burn."
Aria: *crosses arms* "Fuck this, I'm going to go post ponies on TwitPic now." *leaves in disgust*
Firion: "Oh crap."
Squall: "I think mercenary work is best, Firion."
Light: "Our work is our prosperity!"
Squall: "And what is it that YOU do, Light?"
Light: "I'm a Warrior of Light."
Firion: "We know."
Onion: "Does it pay well?"
Light: "Yes."
Ryoko: "It paids absurdly well, and in the most interesting way, too..."

*flashback of Ryoko and Light getting steamy on each other and as Light unbuckles her bra, thousands coins start raining on them from nowhere*

Ryoko: "It's like hitting a GOLD MINE."
Alis: ROFLMAO
Lynn: O______O;;
Firion: "DUUUUUUDE."
Onion: "Uh oh. Bro, what's with that expression?!"
Firion: "I want a job that pays me when I start getting steamy!"
Light: "..."
Squall: "Seriously, if it pays every time one gets in a steamy situation, then we'd never be broke ever again."
Light: "Now wait just a minute here."
Onion: "Guys, WE should be Warriors of Light!"
Alis: "This is not going to end well." *walks away*
Ryoko: "I have some Dissidia to play..." *also walks away*
Lynn: "I'm going to play the PS3." *goes to the living room*
Light: "No! You can't just be Warriors of Light! It doesn't work that way!"
Firion: "What if you hire us?"
Light: "I'm not a boss of any sort."
Onion: "Is it a company?
Light: "Hardly."
Squall: "Then how do they pay you...? Who makes the money to pay you? Do you accept donations from a church somewhere?"
Light: "I seriously don't know!" *stomps his foot and yells at them* "I am a Warrior of Light! I was born as a Warrior of Light! I was created to serve this purpose! And somehow, in whatever it is that I do, I serve it! I don't know how to APPLY to be a Warrior of Light! When we were in the Dissidia war, I didn't get paid at all. It was my title and nothing more." *grunts* "So stop getting silly ideas about becoming one, because it's not possible!"
Squall: "Whoa."
Firion: "Dad, calm the hell down."
Squall: "...but, if you remember the legends... Four Warriors of Light defeated Chaos and saved the world when it was dying. You know, the earth was rotting and all that."
Light: "No, no, no. Those four were Light Warriors. Not Warriors of Light."
Squall: "How did they become the Light Warriors?"
Light: "They each held a crystal that held no shine and they saved a princess."
Onion: "No, they fell into a pit and were chosen by a dying talking crystal!"
Firion: "I thought they went to the Wind Temple chasing after the king of Tycoon?"
Light: "No, those weren't Light Warriors! The Light Warriors were discovered in Corneria! They saved a princess from the wayward knight Garland!"
Onion: "No! They saved the town of Sasoon from Djinn by sealing him in a Mithril Ring that the Princess of Sasoon had!"
Firion: "...I think we're all remembering different retellings of the same legend or something. They all have princesses in them, and they all have crystals in them. But the legend I remember, the Princess of Tycoon WAS a Light Warrior. There are also castles involved."
Onion: "So if we want to be Light Warriors, we have to find a princess, a crystal that symbolizes each of us, and defeat some fiends that make the earth decay, the wind stop, and the seas rage."
Light: "...we don't want to be Light Warriors. We should get jobs that fill our needs here in Ivalice."
Ryoko: *comes back in with Aria* "And so I said, 'that's not a controller. It's a handheld!'"
Aria: ROFLMAO
Ryoko: "So... did you decide on what to do?"
Light: "These bums want to be Light Warriors."
Ryoko: "Hmm. Well, I suppose I'll have to get kidnapped for you."
Light: "What?! What on Earth for?!"
Ryoko: "Everyone knows that after a princess is saved, she has to marry a Light Warrior. I don't want you having to marry some other bitch, so I'll go get kidnapped."
Light: "But, you're not a princess."
Aria: "Ha."
Firion: "What?"
Onion: "She IS?!"
Ryoko: *sigh* "I'm a runaway from Lesalia."
Alis: *walks in whistling* "Uh oh, the expressions have turned serious!"
Onion: "Alis, you've known Ryoko practically all your lives, right?"
Alis: "Yep!"
Firion: "So is it true that Ryoko's a princess?"
Alis: "So this finally came out, huh?" *shrug* "Yes, Ryoko's a princess. She ran away from Lesalia so she wouldn't be killed over an inheritance dispute. Sad thing is, it ended up happening anyway when a replacement was adopted."
Lynn: "Does that mean you're the real Ovelia?!"
Ryoko: "...not in a million years. I had a blood sister named Ovelia."
Aria: "But you have a brother, right? Dimitri?"
Ryoko: "Yep. He's my blood brother. We didn't want to die at the hands of either power hungry duke, so we left. Changed our names and fled to Gariland."
Alis: "It explains why you spoke so formally most of the time."
Lynn: "And your adaptability with high level magic."
Ryoko: *shrugs* "But no, don't treat me any differently. I'm just your plain ol' Ryoko. Don't start... what's with the look?"
Light: "So you really are a princess."
Ryoko: "Light, please, don't..."
Light: "That means I can be your royal knight!"
Ryoko: "...you're my knight anyway."
Light: "Let me serve you as I served Cosmos!"
Ryoko: "Did you" *whispers in Light's ear for a few seconds* "to Cosmos, the Goddess of Harmony?"
Light: *blushes* "Not to the Goddess! Never!"
Ryoko: "Then I don't want you to serve me like you did her."
Light: O//////////o
Alis: "And the order has been given! BWAHAHAHA!"
Ryoko: "Oh shove off, Alis."
Alis: "No seriously, guys, we're not letting Ryoko get captured so you guys can pretend to be Light Warriors. that's stupid and it could cause a bigger problem than us being broke."
Lynn: "What if it was the world itself paying Ryoko to keep populating the world with royal members, and not paying Light for being... you know, himself?"
Ryoko: O_O
Firion: "Whoa! That could very well be. I hear the land out here is magical and responds to the needs of the royal family. Right?"
Onion: "Where did you hear that?"
Firion: "Perhaps I'm thinking of some other place...?"
Onion: "I think you are, bro."
Aria: "It's worth testing out."
Light: "What?"
Alis: "That's it! Light, go get steamy with Ryoko! Right now!"
Ryoko: "Hey!"
Alis: "Well the bills need to be paid, don't they?"
Ryoko: *sigh* "Come on, Light... they won't leave us alone until we do."
Alis: "Damn straight! don't come out until she's too exhausted to move!"
Light: "Oh for the love of Cosmos!" *picks up Ryoko and they go down the hall*
Firion: "You think this might solve our money problem?"
Alis: "If I had a pile of money for everytime Squall and I went at it..."
Squall: "We'd have to swim through the house like Scrooge McDuck."
Lynn: "Doesn't this mean we're practically using Ryoko as a prostitute?"

*silence*

Lynn: "You're kidding. You don't care at all?"
Aria: "I get the feeling that Ryoko doesn't mind."
Lynn: "Still. Telling her to potentially make babies to make money appear. It's not right."
Onion: "Do you want to go work the corner, then?"
Lynn: "ONION!"
Onion: "I'm just saying that I'm hiring!"
Alis: "Damn boy..."
Onion: "I'm a professional pimp, and I take good care of my hos."
Firion: "THE HELL."
Squall: "Onion, if you have money to pay hos, then you should have money to help fix the apartment up and buy food. Look at that poor fridge."

*the Fridge opens up, and hundreds of bats fly out, then it's completely empty. Except for a cobweb up in the corner"

Aria: "...ew."
Lynn: "Suddenly, I'm hungry."
Onion: "I told you that I have a position opening up. Heh. DOGGIE POSITION."
Lynn: *gets so angry that she drop kicks Onion out the window*
Firion: "He deserved that."
Squall: "Seriously."

*meanwhile, down the hall, in Ryoko and Light's room*

Ryoko: "Don't stop."
Light: "I don't think I can."
Ryoko: "I'm almost there."
Light: "I'm all READY there."

*camera flies through the door in order to find out they're not getting steamy. they're playing Pokemon side by side, hatching eggs.*

Light: "Hatched ONE Feebas egg."
Ryoko: "These take FOREVER."
Light: "I know!!"
Ryoko: "Dear, they sent us back here to get steamy. We're playing Pokemon... they're gonna find out that we didn't go at it. You know how they are."
Light: "Sadly, I do."
Ryoko: "It wasn't because I'm a princess. That's not why the rain of coins came. It came because of you."
Light: "That's impossible. I was never paid before for anything."
Ryoko: "Maybe, you were made to spread love and joy wherever you go?"
Light: "Or maybe I'm God's whore. Spread the babies around and the almighty pays me for my work."
Ryoko: *busts out laughing*
Light: "I could just see it now. I was created to be a sex doll for Ultimecia and Cloud of Darkness, but I was discovered by Prishe and given to the good guys instead." *shudders in fear* "I certainly hope this isn't the case."
Ryoko: "It's not. You're doing what you were meant to do. Live to your heart's content."
Light: "People don't get paid to do that."
Ryoko: "Typically, no, they don't." *puts her 3DS down and climbs onto Light's lap, and is just about to kiss him...*

*Suddenly, a little light glimmers and there's a squeaky little voice*

Voice: "Ryoko! We need your help!"
Ryoko: "Huh? Sylph?!"
Light: "Sylph, as in the summon?"
Ryoko: "The very same." *looks over to see the FF4 sylph trio flapping their green wings* "Well isn't this a surprise. It's been a while since I've seen you last."
Sylph 1: "We came to seek your help, Ryoko. As a summoner!"
Ryoko: "Ahhh, it's time to fulfill my side of the pact, huh?"
Sylph 2: "Please!"
Ryoko: "All right. Tell me what's wrong?"
Sylph 3: "Our Lord, Bahamut, is missing. The prayers of summons and summoners have been unanswered for so long that our culture is falling apart. Soon, we may not even have summons for summoners to summon!"
Light: "That sounds like a serious problem."
Sylph 2: "It is!"
Sylph 1: "It is indeed!"
Sylph 3: "Ryoko, can you help us?"
Ryoko: "I swear on my duty as a summoner of Ivalice, I will help you find Bahamut. Don't worry, Sylph!"
Sylph 2: "Yay!"
Light: "Shall we gather the party together?"
Ryoko: "Yeah, I'm going to need Alis' airship for this."
Light: "Fair enough." *gets up and walks out of the room. Ryoko watches*
Ryoko: "Dat ass. Mmmmm." *realizes the sylph trio are still there* "Oh, um, sorry."
Sylph 3: "We will await you in the Sealed Cave, Ryoko..."
Ryoko: "Gotcha. The Sealed Cavern."

*the Sylphs vanish with a poof of light*

Ryoko: "It's time for the Sequel to my last game where I defeated Awkward Cloud all ready... what a weird existence!"