A Short Special Story to reintroduce the cast of "Omake!" before the series comes back for the holidays.
Short Special: It's all Phoned In!
Disclaimer: The stuff in this particular chapter are references to thinks that belong to
Nintendo, Sony, Square Enix, Disney, fanfiction.net, fictionpress.com, Claire's fashion stores, AMC, Geico Car Insurance, Toonami, OR Akira Toriyama
Mateus is holding a broom and wearing an apron that says "Obey the Emperor" in really cutesy letters. He's sweeping the living room, dancing around like he's going to bust out into the Happy Working Song from Enchanted.
Firion: "...exactly what ARE you doing?"
Mateus: "If I'm going to be forced to do household chores, they may as well be entertaining for me personally."
Firion: "You look gayer than Kuja in his pimp thong."
Mateus: "Why thank yo-" *awkward pause* "...I'm sorry, what? A pimp thong?"
Firion: *looks away* "Yep."
Mateus: "I don't remember him owning anything like that."
Firion: "Probably because you're ten times gayer than Kuja is, so you only remember things like how his ribbed dick felt in your-"
Mateus: "Firionel, please! I can't be ten times gayer than Kuja. I'm engaged to someone of the different sex."
Firion: "Let's be frank here, Ryoko isn't the girliest woman we know."
Ryoko walks in the room, wearing a pair of overalls. Her hair is pulled back into a french
braid, and she's holding a paint bucket in one hand and a paintbrush in another. She's
splotched with paint.
Ryoko: "Firi, your bedroom was a sinch. Paint is all over every wall inch!"
Ryoko: "This Spring cleaning thing is pretty damn tiring."
Firion: "You're doing that on purpose, aren't you?"
Firion: "The rhyming words."
Ryoko: "I don't know what I can do. I started having the issue ever since I saw Minwu."
Mateus: "You... went to see Minwu?"
Ryoko: "I did go to see the mage. I felt like the apartment was a cage. I went on my own
without telling anyone, as stopping me is exactly what you would have done."
Mateus: "Yes, I would have. It's dangerous for you to go out on your own."
Ryoko: "I researched into the symptoms of this particular tick, and I believe it is some sort of subconcious mind trick."
Firion: "Did you hang around someone else who spoke like this?"
Ryoko: "Now that I think about it, yes. Those two were there, playing chess."
Firion: "Was it a short woman, shorter than any normal child? With pointed ears?"
Firion: "It's Shantotto! Oh... yeah. I remember back during the Dissidia conflict at some
point, everyone in the Cosmos Warriors were speaking like her. They couldn't stop themselves. The only way we could stop doing it was to not speak for a whole day. Cosmos was worried when it happened, but we were so tired of doing it."
Mateus: "Can my Empress be silent for one whole day?"
Firion: "I severely doubt it. It's not really a spell or a trick. It's just the fact that
hearing other people speak it too much makes your brain start to think that way. Then your words start coming out that way. And it's one big mess."
Ryoko: *looks away*
Mateus: "You're full of shit."
Firion: "You don't want to believe me, that's your problem. Have fun trying to break her of that weird tick." *waves and leaves the room*
Mateus: "Let's give Minwu a call."
Mateus: "You don't believe that idiot, do you?"
Mateus picks up the apartment's phone, dialing Minwu's number.
Phone: *ringtone sound*
Mateus: "Pick up, you insufferable-"
Phone: "Hello. This is Minwu."
Mateus: "Ah! I need your help-"
Phone: "I can't come to the phone right now, I've left on an important mission for the King. If you need me, head to Mysidia. I'll be in the library before I sacrifice my life to help Firion and his friends get the Ultima spell so he can defeat the Emperor of Palamecia. Leave your message after the beep!"
Mateus: "...Minwu, for Cosmos's sake, update your voice mail message... Anyway, I need your help! Your friend gave Ryoko a verbal tick! She can't stop rhyming! How do we break her of that? Call me back or I'll flare your new office to hell!"
He throws the phone down on the receiver, really annoyed.
Mateus: "I had to leave a message..."
Ryoko: *lays down on the couch*
Mateus: "Although, I can only imagine what you'd say with such a tick..." *has a nosebleed* "...it might be something like..." *his nosebleed gets more intense* "...or maybe something else..."
Aria walks in with Luneth, carrying grocery bags.
Luneth: "Awww, gross, Matty..."
Aria: "How are you still alive after bleeding so much through the nose?"
Luneth: "Go take a fucking shower."
Mateus: "No! I am waiting for a phone call!"
Aria: "From... who?"
Mateus: "From Minwu."
Luneth: "Are you turned on because you might get the chance to get in Minwu's skirt?"
Aria: "Sorry to break it to ya, Matty, but Minwu's straight."
Mateus: "That has nothing to do with it!" *wipes his face with the rug on the floor* "You see, Ryoko has some sort of curse or something which makes it to where she can only speak in rhymes."
Luneth: "I don't get it. How does THAT turn you on?"
Mateus: "Excuse me for being turned on by intelligence!"
Aria: "...if rhyming is equivalent with intellect, then every teenage wanna-be poet with an
account on fictionpress.com is a fucking genius."
Mateus: "Do you want to get us kicked off of the FFN feed?! That's gonna raise flags for sure with the censors!"
Aria: "Watch me give a shit." *carries her grocery bags to the kitchen*
Luneth: "She might not get it, but I get it. You're a kinky kind of guy, Matty. Listen. If you want a truly kinky game..." *whispers in his ear*
Mateus: "THAT'S DISGUSTING."
Luneth: "...the fact that she even fucks you disgusts me, so it's about the same in my mind." *walks into the kitchen, too*
Mateus: "I get absolutely no respect."
Luneth: "You haven't earned it, you walking advertisement for Claire's!"
Mateus: "...I don't even know what you referenced."
Aria: "He's making fun of all the jewelry you wear."
Mateus: "Goddess Above, why hasn't Minwu called me back yet?!"
The phone rings.
Mateus: *snatches it* "Hello?!"
Phone: "This is your healthcare insurance. Ivalice National Healthcare wants to encourage you
to talk to your doctor if you have health questions-"
Mateus: "I would, if he would call me back!!" *hangs up dramatically*
Aria: "Who was it?"
Mateus: "An automated message from Ivalice National Healthcare."
Aria: "I hate those fucking automated messages..."
Luneth: "Who the hell decided to put in DelitaCare anyway?"
Aria: "Well, the reason I signed up for it is because it comes with kidnapping insurance, you know, for Ryoko."
Luneth: "Oh... yeah, okay that makes sense."
The phone rings again.
Mateus: *snatches it* "Hello?!"
Phone: "Hello! I'm with the Ivalice National Guard. I'm looking for, uhh, Luneth Famicom?"
Mateus: "Hey, shithead, it's for you."
Phone: "Hi, I'm Sgt. Down, and I'm with the Ivalice National Guard. I'm wondering if you would like to give up a weekend a month to train to defend Ivalice from invaders!"
Luneth: "You want me to sacrifice two days of a thirty day month to help better our country? Fuck you!" *hangs up* "Of all the selfish things they could ask me..."
Light walks in, hangs up his helmet on the coatrack near the door.
Light: *belches loudly*
Mateus: *glares at the phone*
Light: "What's wrong?"
Mateus: "I need Minwu to call me back, but it seems like everyone else in Ivalice is dialing this number."
Light: "Hmm. Just do something else to get your mind off of the call. Minwu's good about getting back to people." *shrugs* "Turn on the TV or something."
He turns on the TV.
TV: "Now accepting applicants for the ASS Training Program! When you ship packages with ASS, you create jobs that both suck AND blow!"
Mateus: "Uh, no."
Mateus grabs the remote and starts flipping channels with a very bored expression.
Channel 1: "Barbara, why did you break up with David?"
Mateus: "I'm not watching talk shows..."
Channel 2: "Why'd you shoot that kid, bitch?"
Mateus: "Season 4 Breaking Bad was worst season."
Channel 3: "You can save 75% on your chocobo insurance by switching to GuidoCo!"
Mateus: "Turtles understand chocobo travel insurance? Really?"
Channel 4: "KAAAAAAAAA-MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-MEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
Mateus: "Oh, kickass, DBZ reruns!"
Luneth: "You're watching DBZ? Fuck yeah, I'm on that shit."
Light: "I'll watch DBZ!"
Firion: *runs out of the back of the apartment like it's an emergency or something* "Did I hear someone say they're watching DBZ?!"
The phone rings...
Luneth: "Tell them to fuck off."
Light: "Oh sweet, this is during Cell Saga."
Firion: "Aria, make some popcorn!!"
Mateus: *answers the phone* "Hello?"
Phone: "Hello, is this the... Sony residence?"
Phone: "And are you Mr. Sony?"
Mateus: "...there is no Mr. Sony."
TV: *shows Vegeta kicking the butt of some badguy*
Luneth: "YEEEAH VEGETA, GET HIS BITCH ASS."
Phone: "May I speak with Mr. Sony?"
Mateus: "There IS no MR. SONY."
Firion: "Yo, what the fuck is up with Matty?"
Light: "Some caller must be pranking..."
Phone: "May I speak with the man of the house?"
Mateus: "FOUR MEN LIVE IN THIS HOUSE!"
Phone: "...and there is no Mr. Sony?"
Phone: "Then how the hell is it the Sony Residence?! Are you just fucking with me, man? I have to tell someone by the name of Arianna Elmdor Sony that she has an urgent message from her family!"
Aria: *walks in holding popcorn*
Mateus: "I don't know anyone named Arianna."
Aria: "...GIVE ME THAT PHONE."
Mateus: *hands it over*
Aria: *gives him the popcorn* "Hello? My name is Arianna."
Mateus: "...that's... her name?"
Luneth and Firion tackle Mateus to get the popcorn. It goes flying everywhere. Ryoko has fallen asleep completely. She's snoring on the couch.
Phone: "I regret to inform you that the estate in Limberry is being auctioned off. Your sisters no longer want the property, and since we didn't know where to find you until recently, the plans were made. Proceeds are going to rebuilding the Rotten Cow Ink Factory in Igros."
Aria: "...Huh, I didn't even know it wasn't there anymore... but yeah, whatever, I dont even know why you bothered to call to tell me about it."
Phone: "You... seriously don't care?"
Phone: "Well... okay, fine then. See if anyone cares next time your family feels like you need to know something!"
Aria: "...I don't think I will. My dad was possessed by a Lucavi during the Lion War! My
sisters and I really don't get along that well. My family is here. My home is here. So. Don't bother calling back."
The call ends abruptly.
Aria: "Guys, why is there Popcorn all over the living room?"
The guys are all cheering because Cell just transformed into his most powerful form.
Aria: "...ARGH." *storms off*
Mateus: "...there's nowhere to sit."
Light: "Well, I don't think Ryoko would mind if you sat next to her."
Firion: "It IS unfair that she has the whole couch."
Luneth: "Go sit on her face."
Mateus: "That is only for when we are alone, you insolent whelp."
Luneth: "But you know you're thinking it."
Mateus: *looks at Ryoko sleeping*
Ryoko rolls over. She's left a little puddle of drool where her mouth used to be. Her snores are deeper than they were, indicating that she's fallen into a deeper sleep than she was in earlier.
Mateus: "Light of my life. Let her sleep. She must be exhausted."
Luneth: "Wait. Wait wait wait. Did you just say... Were you just NICE and completely
Mateus: "...was I? Oh dear. Am I starting to break character?!"
Light: "I do believe our would-be tyrant's heart has softened by being around and taking care of Lady Ryoko."
Firion: "CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!"
Luneth: "Either that, or the pills are working."
Mateus: "I don't take medication."
Luneth: "Maybe you do, maybe you don't. You don't cook your own food."
Mateus: "...Aria?" *runs into the kitchen*
The phone rings again.
Phone: "Hello! I'm calling from the Igros Pregnancy Crisis Center! May I speak with the lady of the house?"
Mateus: *runs back out* "Is it Minwu?"
Light: "No, it's... the Igros Pregnancy Crisis Center."
Mateus: "Now why would they be calling?"
Firion: "Oh GODDESS, Matty, you're not going to be a father, are you?"
Luneth: "That would be a terrible thing."
Light: "You wanna talk to 'em?"
Mateus: "...I'll..." *takes the phone* "Hello?"
Phone: "May I please speak to the lady of the house?"
Mateus: *tries his best to sound feminine, and it sounds AMAZING* "...hello? May I help you?"
Phone: "Miss Ronsenburg?"
Mateus: *feminine voice* "That's me."
Phone: "I'm calling to tell you that your pregnancy test results have come back.
Congratulations! You're six weeks along!"
Mateus: O///////O *thinking* "...I'm going to be a father?! REALLY?! I'm going to be a FATHER?! This is... so amazing!!"
Firion: "Why's the supposed conquerer that flies the banner of the purple rose BLUSHING LIKE A SCHOOL GIRL?!"
Phone: "Miss Ronsenburg?"
Mateus: *feminine voice* "This... this is so exciting!"
Phone: "Now, let's confirm something right quick, if you don't mind. Your name is Hannah Ronsenburg, correct?"
Mateus: "No, my fiancee's name is Ryoko... and YOU JUST BROKE MY HEART!"
Phone: "...do what?"
Mateus: "I was actually excited about the idea of becoming a father! How dare you play with my heart like that?!"
Phone: "A woman by the name of Hannah Ronsenburg is pregnant. We don't even have a Ryoko on file here. At all. Like from the complete history of this clinic being open. So fuck you and have a nice day."
The clinic person hangs up suddenly.
Mateus: "Damn it."
Luneth: "Are you going to try to get Mom pregnant now?"
Mateus: "No, she may not want to have children."
Luneth: "What? Ryoko being useful for something in this lifetime? Say it ain't so!"
Mateus: "Why you..."
Luneth: "She's pretty useless all things considered. I don't even know why some all powerful shit like you decided you want someone so..."
Mateus: "I'm going to Flare you so hard-"
Aria: "The last time you Flare'd someone in the apartment, we couldn't use the Fry Daddy for a month."
Firion: "or the Foreman grill."
Light: "or the tomato mashing hammer."
Aria: "That wasn't from the flare, that was because the hammer started rotting from the
Light: "MASH TOMATOES."
Aria: "Uhhh... huh."
Mateus: "Do not call Ryoko useless!"
Aria: "Yeah, she keeps him from going on murderous rampages. That alone commands respect. Sure, she eats and sleeps and fucks... a lot. She gets kidnapped from time to time. But think of all the lives she saves by keeping Matty from trying to take over the world."
Light: "...and she's also the pillar of Ivalice. She does enough work by simply existing most days."
Ryoko snores loudly.
Luneth: "Our world's keeper, everyone!"
Mateus: "One day, you little shit. One day."
The phone rings. Again.
Mateus: *somewhat weakly* "...hello?"
Phone: "Ah. Sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner, Mateus."
Mateus: "Minwu! There you are. I've had to sit here and answer all the calls the apartment gets waiting for you. I'm worried about Ryoko."
Minwu: "I caught that terrible bug too, after playing chess with Shantotto. It wasn't anything to worry about, but after being someone with that verbal tick, it's very easy for your thoughts to start forming like that automatically."
Mateus: "So, how do I help her get past it?"
Minwu: "The trick to beating it? Taking a nice, long nap. If her brain wasn't getting over it on its own, that means she wasn't getting enough sleep. Her brain should be back to normal when she wakes up from a decent enough nap."
Minwu: "Are you still there?"
Mateus: "...you made me wait... just to tell me... to do something... she's ALL READY doing?!"
Minwu: "Pardon me, but I didn't realize she was all ready taking a nap. It's not like I'm
actually there or anything."
This time, the doorbell rings.
Light: "I'll get it."
Mateus: "...don't bother..."
He opens the door, and he find Minwu standing there with a big grin on his face.
Minwu: "Surprise! I bring gifts!"
Minwu: "I was going to visit today anyway."
Mateus: *becomes white as a sheet* "You... you were?!"
Aria: "Yeah. Minwu said he wanted to take part in our D&D nights, so he's gonna be regularly
coming to visit on Saturdays."
Minwu: *kneels at Ryoko's side* "Peacefully sleeping. Leave her this way until she wakes.
She'll be just fine when she does." *gets up and hands bags of snacks to Aria* "I even brought
some cheesecake, but don't open it until Ryoko wakes."
The screen fades out with Mateus standing there, staring out in space, hating the fact that
everthing he did during the whole day was nothing but a complete waste.